Fear Him.
Drawing has always been an outlet for me and the origin of this piece is an interesting one. Although I'm typing this after it's all blown over so yes, it is interesting in hindsight but while it was actually happening it scared the shit out of me. This is about the anger and fear in me. All of us have it, a darkness inside. I finally took my first steps to address and accept this and to stop consciously feeding it, which is what I have been training myself to do my whole life. As long as I keep it fed, I can go on 'living', that is functioning normally in society. But that was only surviving in the shadow of my ego. It does not give me the freedom to be my higher self!
So I've been reading about ego and painbody from Eckhart Tolle's New Earth. Such a marvelous book. I was having these bouts of depression and I couldn't understand why I could not be appreciative of all I have. What it was is that I was becoming conscious of my ego and the painbody attached to it, and it doesn't like that one bit! Oh nooooo....and all these negativity just suddenly came up attacked me! I blamed everyone and myself, and felt there is no meaning to life anymore etc. I felt suicidal. All my worst fears assaulted me - fear of losing loved ones, fear of not being acknowledged, fear of not being right, fear of becoming nothing.
I wrote all my anger in my journal, and now that I read back on it, I can clearly see the form that my ego takes. Those words in capital letters shouting out from those pages were the screams of the ego losing its power over my being. But what a lot of fear I had to face! The cool thing about fear though, is once you've faced it, you'll realize that fear was nothing more than a mask for a deeper desire - to be loved. I used to equate that with being needed, useful and conforming to others' expectations. All a lot of 'needs' and nothing of 'being'. This little episode with my ego has taught me to finally break free of those expectations, and to face my fears and confront the anger in me; worth it all for the joy and peace I am feeling now!
I am prone to complacency, so I still have an arrogance in me. this is the first test I've passed but by no means the last. Life if the sum of our courage, fears, success and failures. I have learned tremendously on this journey and I couldn't have done it without strong external support from my friends and family! We are never alone so reach out if you can and take that hand offered to you. You will find that it makes all the difference :)
